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Have a laugh!

01 Oct 2016
@ 01:05 am (GMT)

Andy

Here's a joke, maybe you could post another one below!

A guy walks into a pub and asks the publican for a beer. While he sits there he notices a jar full of . Next to the jar full of $50 notes is a sign that reads,

"$50 entry fee: Complete the Challenge, Win the Jar."

Curious, the guy asks the bartender about the challenge. The bartender explains there are three parts that must be completed. First: Down a gallon of tequila straight in under five minutes. Second: A Crocodile out back has a terrible tooth and ache and the tooth has to be pulled. Third: Have sex with the oldest hooker in the place. The guy thinks it over and he accepts the challenge. He downs the tequila in no time. Then he staggers out back and everyone in the bar hears an awful commotion for a solid 10 minutes. Then silence. The guy stumbles back in the door his clothes torn to sheds, bite marks up and down his body... He yells, "Now! Where's that hooker with the tooth ache?"

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04 Feb 2019 @ 03:56 pm (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays - New Mexico Re: Have a laugh! Perils of Hunter-Gatherers
04 Feb 2019 @ 04:03 pm (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays - New Mexico Re: Have a laugh!
07 Apr 2019 @ 03:13 pm (GMT)	Quote this Paul Leverman Re: Have a laugh! https://9gag.com/gag/av8RGRq?ref=pn
23 Jul 2019 @ 02:57 pm (GMT)	Quote this JOHN HAYS Re: Have a laugh! Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving with $600, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.' The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.' The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.' The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?' The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
04 Aug 2019 @ 04:01 pm (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays - New Mexico Re: Have a laugh! Bill returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Bill asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?' She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Bill , however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?' At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Bill , I have to get up in the morning... you don't.
04 Aug 2019 @ 04:06 pm (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays - New Mexico Re: Have a laugh!
05 Aug 2019 @ 07:56 pm (GMT)	Quote this Jon Short Re: Have a laugh! By far the best post so far! Can't stop laughing!!!
11 Aug 2019 @ 02:54 am (GMT)	Quote this JOHN HAYS Re: Have a laugh! According to Family Tree DNA, my pre-Revolutionary War ancestry is 92% Scottish. Intrigued, I have been watching Scottish videos about identifying members of my family tree. How to keep track of all these ancestors. I found this one with Abby, an attractive young woman. Let's see it this link works: http://www.hayspc.com/guns/UVBN2794.MP4
11 Aug 2019 @ 03:00 am (GMT)	Quote this JOHN HAYS Re: Have a laugh! Ah, bugger, didn't work. You will just have to cut and paste the url address into your web browser. If it is any incentive, this girl is gorgeously cute, tanned, in a bikini, and is everything a man could want. http://www.hayspc.com/guns/UVBN2794.MP4
11 Aug 2019 @ 02:57 pm (GMT)	Quote this Warwick Marflitt Re: Have a laugh! "MARY" MOTHER OF GOD! NINGLEPHUT!!!!! So after that Gem of intellectual intellect..............................I found this the other day....... We are surrounded by people wearing empty smiles and masks to cover up the emptiness that fills them, almost like soulless beings unable to think for themselves that are caught up in the same routine day in and out. On rare occasions, you will hear of one unique soul who ultimately breaks free from the strings of the puppeteers. They are known as "The Wolfs" The wolf that does not care what others think but is driven by its inner being and a need to be free. It takes full responsibility for its existence. It can’t be controlled by the chains that keep others bound as the Wolf has seen the truth and knows It has the power to shake the world on its axes. It has no need to devour the sheep as it respects the fact that they have their own free will and enjoy the comfort and safety that comes with having a shepherd and a routine. In recent times the wolf has been portrait as a having negative connections to darkness and mythical creatures like Werewolves. But the Native American Indians had the perfect symbolism for wolves. They copied the wolf when they hunted and used the same method; they saw the wolf as an efficient hunter, intelligent teachers, and a loyal friend. The wolf totem till this day symbolizes intelligence and leadership. Here are qualities that make the Wolf such a remarkable being, can you relate to any of them? A Wolf is self-reliant and free They are wild savage animals and can’t be domesticated. They don’t pretend to be something they are not and stay true to their nature. They hate being stuck in a routine and possess the ability to choose a situation instead of adapting to one. They ignore the boxes society places them in and kick against conformity and stereotypes for they are unique and can’t be compared. They know they are the creators of their own destiny and that the ball of fate lies within them. A Wolf is an outsider A wolf finds peace in solitude. Even though they move, live and hunt in packs it is solitude the wolf longs for. It hates crowds, and crowded places avoid people and busyness. They don’t mind living alone and love exploring and finding new adventures. They are not afraid of the unknown, in fact, they seek it. It will distance itself from expectations, mediocrities, and petty bickering. A Wolf is reasonable They mimic behavior shown to them. Treat them with respect and they will treat you with respect and that goes for any way they are treated. A wolf is savage, and when you treat them poorly or unfairly, you will get bitten. They are loyal to their pack, so this goes for any of the pack members as well. You do not want to mess with a wolfs pack. A Wolf lives for freedom They are wild and free and can’t be caged. They live on their own terms. They don’t like being told what to do or how to behave. They are adventure seekers and will do what others see as dangerous or unthinkable. They don’t have a boss or owner. They are non-conforming nature branded and proud of it.The Wolf is independent. A Wolf is a great leader A Wolf does not howl orders instead it keeps the pack aligned and focused with emotionally-charged communication and without breaking a pack member down. They include all the members of the pack and take on a firm hand when a member is out of line. A Wolf leads by example. The Wolf will always make sure that the young and weak are nurtured and protected. It is always evaluating ideas and is ready to act with skill and dispatch in an instant. The Wolf can act with sureness and swiftness at the appropriate moment. A Wolf is intensely protective Do not mess with a member of the wolf pack unless you are ready to be ripped apart. A wolf will not have mercy on you if you have wronged him or a pack member. It’s their primal instinct to be overwhelmingly protective, and they will never let harm come to anyone they are loyal to or love. A Wolf dares to stand out A wolf will never run from an obstacle, it will plot and ponder, and it will rise to any challenge.They refuses to bow down to anyone. Are fearless against all odds and is a mighty opponent. Is made up of guts and courage and is proud of it. “I am me I’m who I’m meant to be I am my past, my present and who I want to be. I’m not anyone. I am all three. I am a work in progress, a destiny. I am who I choose to be. I am Wolf.” ........... Its a nice thought, although not many people like Wolfs. They have a bad rap for some un-understood reason that many don't understand.
13 Aug 2019 @ 10:41 pm (GMT)	Quote this Paul Leverman Re: Have a laugh! As opposed to the group we call sheeple, those who cannot think for themselves, those who accept blindly, who think there is safety in numbers.
14 Aug 2019 @ 04:54 am (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays - New Mexico Re: Have a laugh! Okay, Paul, Warwick, I’m still waiting for the punch line here . . . While I wait, and while we are onto wolves: “A man and his pet wolf walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my wolf." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the wolf falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there." To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a wolf.”
11 Nov 2019 @ 01:44 am (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays - New Mexico Re: Have a laugh! Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
11 Nov 2019 @ 01:55 am (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays - New Mexico Re: Have a laugh! Posted at a country store:
29 Nov 2019 @ 06:19 am (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays Re: Have a laugh! An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!” Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion. The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!” Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says…….. "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”
30 Nov 2019 @ 01:04 pm (GMT)	Quote this Warwick Marflitt Re: Have a laugh! [quote]As opposed to the group we call sheeple, those who cannot think for themselves, those who accept blindly, who think there is safety in numbers.[/quote Like a school of fish?
10 Dec 2019 @ 02:07 pm (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays - New Mexico Re: Have a laugh! A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. fter a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
15 Dec 2019 @ 04:30 pm (GMT)	Quote this JOHN HAYS Re: Have a laugh!
16 Dec 2019 @ 03:30 am (GMT)	Quote this Olly Agbebi Re: Have a laugh! John you're going to have to explain that one to me
16 Dec 2019 @ 09:55 am (GMT)	Quote this JOHN HAYS Re: Have a laugh! Hi Olly, FWIW It is a joke about the legal ban of most firearms from the UK, thus disarming the population and rendering them helpless in the face of armed aggression --- this from an American viewpoint. The Texan traveler has mistakenly brought his handgun to England in his suitcase, and discovers that the locals are panicked and supine when faced with a man with a gun. They run away or surrender. The Texan considers this, and within 36 hours takes it to the logical Machiavellian conclusion as he becomes the absolute despotic ruler of the UK complete with a throne, pile of skulls at his feet, and captive native women who are now his sex slaves. As Donald Rumsfeld once said, "Weakness is provocative." Two more aphorisms come to mind, "In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. --- A person who is not particularly capable can attain a powerful position if the people around him or her are even less capable. Jill: How on earth did Joe get promoted to be head of his department? He's such a blunderer! Jane: In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king." -- and -- "In his political text "Problems of War and Strategy," Mao Zedong wrote that "Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun." What he means is that guns should be kept out of the hands of the people. It's the Party (that's the Communist Party, not Party Rock ) that should have the guns, not the people." And so, Olly, if a joke has to be explained, it was probably never that funny in the first place. The moral of the cartoon is that an armed populace is a free populace and are not easily conquered, neither by a foreign government nor their own. FWIW
16 Dec 2019 @ 10:55 am (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays - New Mexico Re: Have a laugh! Now I'm waiting to hear from Warwick Marflitt . . .
16 Dec 2019 @ 08:38 pm (GMT)	Quote this Olly Agbebi Re: Have a laugh! Quote: [color=green] Hi Olly, FWIW It is a joke about the legal ban of most firearms from the UK, thus disarming the population and rendering them helpless in the face of armed aggression --- this from an American viewpoint. ..... The moral of the cartoon is that an armed populace is a free populace and are not easily conquered, neither by a foreign government nor their own. FWIW "Ahh I see". said the blind man. Many thanks :tiphat:
20 Dec 2019 @ 07:55 pm (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays - New Mexico Re: Have a laugh!
22 Dec 2019 @ 01:30 pm (GMT)	Quote this John D. Hays - New Mexico Re: Have a laugh!
23 Dec 2019 @ 04:57 pm (GMT)	Quote this Paul Leverman Re: Have a laugh! "Like a school of fish?" Not quite, Warwick. That would imply that they are somewhat educated, or at the least, learned. Which is a good laugh unto itself. Good to hear from you.