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> Have a laugh!
Have a laugh!
@ 01:05 am (GMT) |
AndyHere's a joke, maybe you could post another one below!A guy walks into a pub and asks the publican for a beer. While he sits there he notices a jar full of . Next to the jar full of $50 notes is a sign that reads, "$50 entry fee: Complete the Challenge, Win the Jar." Curious, the guy asks the bartender about the challenge. The bartender explains there are three parts that must be completed. First: Down a gallon of tequila straight in under five minutes. Second: A Crocodile out back has a terrible tooth and ache and the tooth has to be pulled. Third: Have sex with the oldest hooker in the place. The guy thinks it over and he accepts the challenge. He downs the tequila in no time. Then he staggers out back and everyone in the bar hears an awful commotion for a solid 10 minutes. Then silence. The guy stumbles back in the door his clothes torn to sheds, bite marks up and down his body... He yells, "Now! Where's that hooker with the tooth ache?" |
Replies
@ 07:06 pm (GMT) |
Jon ShortRe: Have a laugh!ha ha ha ha ... that must be an Australian joke!? |
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@ 07:06 pm (GMT) |
Jon ShortRe: Have a laugh!ha ha ha ha ... that must be an Australian joke!? |
@ 01:18 pm (GMT) |
Warwick MarflittRe: Have a laugh!Hey how are you doing today?Check this out? Can you read this jumble below? fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 56% plepoe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Who needs a dictionary |
@ 09:26 pm (GMT) |
Paul LevermanRe: Have a laugh!Ahh, Warwick. Another pot to stir. So what happens with the other 44%? Do we just leave them behind? Spelling is important, and grammar (not your grandmother) as well. If you went back a few centuries and tried reading some of their texts, you would see my point. Grab an original by Willy and try to follow it. |
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@ 11:36 am (GMT) |
Warwick MarflittRe: Have a laugh!Paul it's 2020 and we don't own the world speech no more? I'v been reading about "Tom the Pom" hes written all the different Highland, Cockney, Welsh, Irish, Manchester and other accents in his accounts of World War two and got them right to a tee.... It's interesting reading a real account of someones life experiences He even says at the beginning that he was taught to speak the Kings English......https://www.bbc.co.uk/history/ww2peopleswar/user/97/u235897.shtml The inactivity was boring, the same hot sun every day, the same bully and biscuits every day, the same warm smelly water laced with tablets to do in those nasty little buggers that were just waiting to do you a mischief, or to quote one burly Highlander “Ah wood’ny drenk thaat watter, eff’n there’s nae taablets en et, ets foo o’ wee creepie craawlie thengs, an they dae thengs tae yer ensides, yince they get 'en.” and he would add, “D’ye no ken whit ah’m sayen tae yez aw?” The mail truck would come but no mail for me so I just did what every one else did mooch round and have a yarn to this bloke, then make sure my rifle was clean. The other 44% Well...... There going to start a new Global Warming Free colony..........ON Mars ; )~ |
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@ 11:53 am (GMT) |
Warwick MarflittRe: Have a laugh!<blockquote class="imgur-embed-pub" lang="en" data-id="a/0U1hIEx"><a href="//imgur.com/a/0U1hIEx"></a></blockquote><script async src="//s.imgur.com/min/embed.js" charset="utf-8"></script> |
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@ 01:14 pm (GMT) |
Paul LevermanRe: Have a laugh!That's a pretty heavy accent in that blockquote. It even made the dog howl. |
@ 03:49 am (GMT) |
Frank VallichRe: Have a laugh!There’s a train travelling through the mountains and in one carriage there sits an old lady, a beautiful young blonde backpacker, a New Zealand guy and an Aussie guy. The train goes through a dark tunnel and all the lights go out. Suddenly there’s a loud ‘smack’ and when the lights come on the kiwi guy is nursing a large red hand print on his cheek. The old lady thinks to herself ‘that dirty kiwi groped that young lady and she smacked him, good on her’. The young girl thinks ‘that dirty kiwi must have gone to grope me but grabbed the old lady instead so she smacked him, good on her’. The Kiwi thinks ‘That bloody Aussie must have groped that young girl and she’s gone to smack him but got me instead’. The Aussie sits there thinking It can’t wait for another tunnel so I can smack that bloody Kiwi again’. |
@ 04:24 pm (GMT) |
JOHN HAYSRe: Have a laugh!The Jewish Elbow, The Italian Grandfather and The Irish Blonde… 1. The Jewish Elbow A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push-button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........ "What . . . .. .. You're coming empty-handed?" ------------- 2. Wise Italian Grandfather Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan'a you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "? ----- 3. The Irish Blonde... An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,..... but all men...are men! |
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@ 05:56 pm (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!
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@ 06:23 pm (GMT) |
Scott StruifRe: Have a laugh!The nuns are in line for confession. The first, Sister Emily, says, "Father, I saw a penis." Father tells her, "Wash your eyes with the holy water." The second, Sister Grace, confesses, "Father, I touched a penis." He tells her, "Wash hands in the holy water." The third, Sister Penelope, is about to confess, when Sister Sarah cuts in line in front of her. Father asks, "Sister Sarah, is your sin severe as to not wait your turn?", to which Sister Sarah replies, "No, Father, I don't want to wash my mouth with the holy water after Sister Penelope washes her ass in it." |
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@ 08:42 pm (GMT) |
JOHN HAYSRe: Have a laugh!Okay, Scott, try this one:A Mexican mom and her Mexican child . . . were in their kitchen making tortillas . Then the the child put flour on his face and said to his mom "look mommy I'm a white boy". She slaps him hard in the face and says "go show your father. He goes and shows him. Then his father slapped him even harder "go show your grandma" said the father. He went and showed his grandma. She slapped him even harder than his father. "Go show your mom she said". So the Mexican child went in the kitchen where his mom was and she said "so want did you learn?" She asked her kid. "Well, I have been white for 5 minutes and I already hate Mexicans.“ |
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@ 09:10 am (GMT) |
Scott StruifRe: Have a laugh!True story: I'm in line at a tamale stand. The Hispanic gentleman ahead of me, served his order, points at the salsa, and asks, "Picante?," to which the vendor replied, "Para gringo." I've never been so insulted in my entire life! |
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@ 09:29 am (GMT) |
JOHN HAYSRe: Have a laugh!Here Scott, watch this.Here is the Old West, this is what is insulting!!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mX2AyjVrrck  [b]
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@ 06:47 am (GMT) |
Scott StruifRe: Have a laugh!Hi, John. I'm fortunate to have a Mexican friend as a hunting partner. He was born in the US, but both of his parents emigrated from Mexico, so he has the provenance. Suffice to say I don't have to eat that shit out of a jar. |
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@ 04:59 pm (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!Hi Scott, I'm reminded of a native New Mexican fellow I hired onto my crew doing an archaeological survey over south of Acoma Pueblo. This was in the early 90s. We were camping out in the wilderness area and this guy showed up with some Snowcap lard, a can of baking powder, some salt, and a 50 pound bag of flour. He also brought a blanket and a sleeping bag. That was it, that and some tennis shoes and the clothes on his back. I was going to fire him right then and there, but it was fifty-one tough miles back to the county road -- so he stayed. And he walked all the next day with us on survey, climbing mesas and crossing one dry valley after another. I gave him a canteen. That night, back at camp, he walked off to a scree slope and lugged back a huge flat rock, built a fire under it and started making tortillas, throwing them like frisbees to each of us. Everybody shared their food with him in return, and their liquor, and he went to bed early. He made more tortillas for breakfast before we got up. Someone shared their butter. Ten days on and four days off. To the next ten-day session he brought another bag of flour and added a huge bag of pinto beans. Simple food is delicious food when you work hard all day and cook over a campfire. The guys taught him enough field archaeology and he worked til the end of the project. I paid him off at the end and we never saw him again. I'm ashamed to say, but I've forgotten his name. |
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@ 05:15 pm (GMT) |
Scott StruifRe: Have a laugh!Yeah, John. My favorite cuisine is Mexican, hands down. Who would have thought you could make a delicious tortilla on a rock. Good story! |
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@ 03:49 am (GMT) |
Paul LevermanRe: Have a laugh!We hired a young worker from Mali, West Africa for a tree planting contract. While having lunch one day, of course the conversation went around to "what's it like in Mali?" Some good stories, for sure, but our favourite was when he was asked what the cuisine was like. His response was "if it walk, swim, crawl or fly, we eat it". When asked what his favourite was he said "elephant". Stunned silence and some strange looks. His face broke out into this wide grin, he held his hands at arm's length and said "BIG STEAKS!" |
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@ 02:43 pm (GMT) |
Scott StruifRe: Have a laugh!Which is why Mexicans barbeque on a rock? |
@ 03:17 am (GMT) |
Robert GendreauRe: Have a laugh!Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.- Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage. |
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@ 02:02 pm (GMT) |
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@ 04:31 pm (GMT) |
Scott StruifRe: Have a laugh!In Las Vevas, a guy on the sidewalk asked me if I could help him out because his wife needed an operation. I said. "Yeah, but I'm afraid you're going to gamble it away." He said, "Don't worry, I've got gamblin' money." |
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@ 09:30 am (GMT) |
JOHN HAYSRe: Have a laugh!Okay, Scott. That one made me LOL. The funniest jokes are the ones that neatly encapsulate bitter truths. Then there's this: 
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@ 10:14 am (GMT) |
Scott StruifRe: Have a laugh!Yeah, John. Like Mark Twain's observation, "Everybody is always talking about the weather, but nobody is doing anything about it." |
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@ 11:43 pm (GMT) |
Warwick MarflittRe: Have a laugh! Hang on fellers.....A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath."Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are - my - test - results - back?" |
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