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> Have a laugh!
Have a laugh!
@ 01:05 am (GMT) |
AndyHere's a joke, maybe you could post another one below!A guy walks into a pub and asks the publican for a beer. While he sits there he notices a jar full of . Next to the jar full of $50 notes is a sign that reads, "$50 entry fee: Complete the Challenge, Win the Jar." Curious, the guy asks the bartender about the challenge. The bartender explains there are three parts that must be completed. First: Down a gallon of tequila straight in under five minutes. Second: A Crocodile out back has a terrible tooth and ache and the tooth has to be pulled. Third: Have sex with the oldest hooker in the place. The guy thinks it over and he accepts the challenge. He downs the tequila in no time. Then he staggers out back and everyone in the bar hears an awful commotion for a solid 10 minutes. Then silence. The guy stumbles back in the door his clothes torn to sheds, bite marks up and down his body... He yells, "Now! Where's that hooker with the tooth ache?" |
Replies
@ 03:30 pm (GMT) |
Paul LevermanRe: Have a laugh!Warwick! Undoubtedly the BEST one yet! You ARE the king! All hail: Warwick, the Hilarious! |
@ 05:52 pm (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police." |
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@ 06:14 am (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!A very useful guide to applications of common tools – you may want to review frequently: DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!' DROP SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity. SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON OF A BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. |
@ 07:56 am (GMT) |
Warwick MarflittRe: Have a laugh!John only a divorced Motor tradesman can appreciate the accuracy of the above two posts....... |
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@ 04:30 pm (GMT) |
JOHN HAYSRe: Have a laugh!Well, Warwick, Women and tools Make men fools. |
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@ 04:39 pm (GMT) |
Warwick MarflittRe: Have a laugh!And Cutting down a leaning Tree........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gROnRUyWZmY |
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@ 05:00 am (GMT) |
JOHN HAYSRe: Have a laugh!http://hayspc.com/guns/ViciousCat.jpg Whether you mean "fanny pack" in the American patois (i.e. Brit. bum bag) or assume a more anatomical appellation, a vicious cat is a vicious cat. |
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@ 05:06 am (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!
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@ 05:19 am (GMT) |
John D Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!
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@ 05:49 am (GMT) |
John D Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!Knowing France, the Land of Escargot, the first cartoon seems quite realistic. As the great epicure Karl Marx said, " History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce ". 
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@ 10:17 am (GMT) |
Scott StruifRe: Have a laugh!"How much worse can dog be than kale?" - A. Bourdain |
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@ 02:36 pm (GMT) |
Paul LevermanRe: Have a laugh!John - there's another from Gary larson that has two deer talking, the one has a bright red circle on his chest, and his buddy says "Bummer of a birthmark, Hal". But I couldn't find it to post it. Do you have it? |
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@ 05:37 pm (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!
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@ 06:02 pm (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!Way out in New Mexico A long time ago When a man's only friend Was his own .44 (which only rhymes if you properly western slang-pronounce .44 as "foety-fo" as in SAA .44-40) But life here has evolved from the days of Billy the Kid: 
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@ 01:06 am (GMT) |
Paul LevermanRe: Have a laugh!Grief counsellors! Hilarious.Thanks for finding Hal. |
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@ 12:01 pm (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!I spent almost twenty years of my early life as a professional archaeologist. In that time I excavated hundreds of prehistoric and historic burials. It was interesting work. 
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@ 12:01 pm (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!I spent almost twenty years of my early life as a professional archaeologist. In that time I excavated hundreds of prehistoric and historic burials. It was interesting work.
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@ 02:49 pm (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!Two Southern Illinois farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:.........Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're a queer... " |
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@ 03:02 pm (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!Which joke reminds me of the logic of secret codes and code-breaking. And thus you model RSA encryption. I had a dog named NonSequiter, always lost, he would not follow. Once found, it was almost impossible to trace where he started or where he wandered. You had to have a Pee Key to match his privates. |
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@ 04:44 pm (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!
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@ 02:06 pm (GMT) |
John D. Hays - New MexicoRe: Have a laugh!Malka goes to consult with Dr. Cohen about reviving her husband’s libido. “I’ll give you some Viagra,” he says . “Thanks, but Moshe will never take it. Moshe hates pills.” “In that case," says the doctor, "when he’s not looking drop one in his morning coffee. He won’t even know it’s there. Call me next week and let me know if it helped.” When Malka calls the doctor he asks her how the little experiment worked out. “We had mixed results, Dr. Cohen,” she says “The pill worked immediately . Within minutes, he leaped up to his feet, tore off my dress, and made love to me right there on the table.” “That’s wonderful” says the doctor . “So what’s the problem?” "I’m pretty sure they’ll never let us into that particular Starbucks again.” |
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@ 02:19 am (GMT) |
Paul LevermanRe: Have a laugh!
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@ 01:57 pm (GMT) |
Scott StruifRe: Have a laugh!TEST: What’s the difference between an Italian woman and a catfish? |
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